January 13, 2005

Some Casual Reasons Not To Be a Vegetarian.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was making himself a hamburger for lunch today. (Made he should add from the delicious beef he purchased from the Smallholder...) While he was frying up that delicious patty of ground cow these thoughts entered his mind:

1) Vegetarians suffer from the "Three C's." Concern - about what they are eating. They can't just go anywhere and eat. They have to think of places. Meal prep isn't really meal prep so much as meal planning. What will you eat? When? Does this bean have enough protein for me? Can I make an alfredo sauce using vegetable margarine, soy milk, and fake parmesan cheese? (NB: You can - but you wouldn't want to eat it.) Crankiness - because the vegetarian always has to think about what they are eating they aren't ever really happy with what their choices are. Condescension - "You're eating THAT? Eeewww. (Under breath) Killer!"

2) The Arctic Tundra Senario. What if you are stuck on the Arctic tundra of Siberia or waaaay northern Canada? Are you really gonna try and thaw out the perma-frost and grow some beans? Your Maximum Leader votes for killing some of those absolutely deeeeelicious Polar Bears and chowing down. (Note: Polar Bear skins make for warm clothing in a pinch. And being trapped in the Arctic counts as a pinch. As well as appropriate places for male/female "conjugation" if placed in front of a roaring fire on a cold winter night.)

UPDATE: Brian reminds your Maximum Leader that going after Polar Bears without the appropriate gear can be a fatal undertaking. Yes. Yes. Your Maximum Leader knew that. Your Maximum Leader assumes that it goes without saying that one wouldn't trek near the Arctic without appropriate gear. Like a fine large calibre hunting rifle. Something that chambers a huge Weatherby round.

3) The Antartica Senario. What if you were going to trudge to the South Pole? Would you really want to carry all those beans and pasta? Hows about just killing a few penguins? Sure they are mostly blubber, but you can kill more than a few. But blubber can be burned for heat. (It does smoke and give off a foul odour. But it beats freezing to death.)

4) The Trapped in the Andes After Your Plane Crashes Senario. So, your DC-10 flys into the side of a mountain in the Andes and you're trapped. You can 1) move down below the frost line and clear a patch of land and try to grow some crops from what you are able to scavenge or 2) eat your fellow passengers in a brave effort to stay alive until someone comes to rescue you. (NB re:the cooking of people: now old people and vegetarians will be sort of lean and sinewy. So they will require slow cooking with liquids to be more than a piece of shoe leather to chew on. Babies are cute and cuddly, but they are also tender and well marbled with layers of fat. Be sure to reduce your cook time and check frequently to make sure you don't over-do them. It is more humane to go after the old and vegetarians first - as they would be the first to perish from exposure. After they are gone... Try the morbidly obsese and work your way down to plain ole people.)

5) The "Pick-up and Fly Anywhere" Senario. Unless you are going to a developed nation or a predominantly Hindu nation, you need to eat meat. On Safari in Kenya your craving for a tofu-burger with organic lettuce on a toasted whole wheat bun isn't going to get you far. You'd be better off with a tasty medium-rare water buffalo steak with a side of gazelle tartare. If you are lucky, you might convince a Masai tribesman to give you some flatbread to put your buffalo steak on. When on your fact-finding mission to Iraq, you might be offered some roasted lamb or goat by your friendly Kurdish guide. Don't tell him you'd prefer a nice salad of romain lettuce and colourful veggies instead. What he doesn't have a salad? Well then you'll just stick to the hummus... Trust your Maximum Leader on this one... Take. The. Lamb. You'll be better off.

6) "The Children! Think of the Children!" Senario. Think of them. The children of the great Texas cattlemen. The children of the few remaining cowboys. The children of the slaughterhouse workers. The children of the meat department manager at your local grocery store... Think of all the children. Looking at you Mr/Ms Vegetarian. With those weepy brown eyes. Their quivering lips. The tear-streaked faces. What do they say to you... "Meat is tasty. You're an omnivore, why will you not fulfill your place atop the food chain? If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding. How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?"

And those, dear minions, are just a few reasons not to be a vegetarian.

Carry on.


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