Le Club des Hommes: Jalousie

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is a day late in posting the latest installment of the on-going "Men's Club" feature. Today's topic (actually yesterday's topic) is Jealousy.

Excursus: He put the title of the post in French because he loves the way the French word "Jalousie" looks. It looks like a harmless fun word... Humm... What does that tell us about the French? Perhaps nothing. Or perhaps...

Anyho...

Your Maximum Leader will take a little credit for suggesting this topic. He happened to be in the Villainschloss watching his copy of "Othello" with Laurence Fishburne, Kenneth Branagh, and Irene Jacob. During the course of the film your Maximum Leader heard Branagh's Iago speak the famous lines:

O, beware, my lord, of jealousy!
It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock
The meat it feeds on.

Of course, a true Shakespearian would also know that the Bard used the same metaphor in another play. It was uttered by Portia in the "Merchant of Venice". She said:

How all the other passions fleet to air, As doubtful thoughts, and rash-embraced despair, And shuddering fear, and green-eyed jealousy!

Obviously Shakespeare knew a good line when he wrote it. As a conceqence of Shakespeare calling Jealousy a green-eyed monster your Maximum Leader has always imagined the personification of Jealousy would be a lithe red-maned girl with porcelain skin and green eyes. She would wear skimpy clothes that would flatter, yet not reaveal, her pert breasts, shapely legs, and rock solid abs. She would smile to excess and have a smoky voice. Her look and deportment would draw you in, innocently but curiously at first. Then she would slowly start to ply you with clever conversation and sexual innuendo. Before you knew it, you would be nothing more than a toy. Perhaps this mental picture is the reason that your Maximum Leader has never been particuarly fond of redheads...

And therein lay the heart of our discussion today loyal minions...

What is the role of jealousy in a relationship?

Speaking broadly, jealousy, as we commonly think of it, is not a particularly good thing in a relationship. It causes suspicion. And where there is suspicion there is a dearth of trust. And without trust, we can all agree, relationships are doomed. (At least healthy relationships are doomed.)

Your Maximum Leader was once taught an important lesson that has helped him in life quite a bit. A friend from middle school once told him that so-and-so, "Ain't never done me wrong." This was in reference to a kid we knew and was commonly thought to be untrustworthy and something of a backstabbing social climber. (And frankly, who could be blamed for wanting to social climb up from the rank of geek... But that is a discussion for another day.) Your Maximum Leader was telling his friend, B.B., that this little backstabber wasn't a real friend. This was when B.B. said that he had never been done wrong by the person. This prompted a discussion on trust and the levels of trust. The lesson learnt was that give people a little trust to work with. Don't immediately think the worst or be defensive. Cut them a little slack. If that works out well, they build more trust. If it doesn't, and you generally find out rather quickly if it will not; then you cut them off quickly and severely.

Your Maximum Leader has found that this frame of mind works particularly well in the early going of most relationships. Relationships of all sorts actually. But for the purposes of this discussion, let's keep it to romantic relationships. In the early going, a little bit of trust can be built through honesty. A clear definition of the status of the relationship is the best way to start out. If you are seeing someone, but don't plan on seeing them exclusively - say so. This is an awkward early step. Often you don't know the person well enough to clearly discern their feelings towards you. But when you reach that first level, start to be honest about seeing others or not seeing others as the case may be.

All too often relationships are spoiled early on by miscommunication between the parties leading to feelings of jealousy by one person. If he enjoyed her company, but still wanted to see other people, that should be communicated before she sees him out with another girl. Escpecially a red-maned, green-eyed beauty wearing a skimpy outfit.

But once you move past the early stages of a relationship, jealousy becomes a different problem. If there is no single cause for jealousy some people will create many non-specific causes of jealousy. The most common of these that a man will have to deal with is that of a woman being jealous of other women. Other women who you might work with. Who might be prettier than she is. Who might secretly harbour lust in their hearts for you. Or sometimes the jealousy is directed at you and other women. "Look over there? Do you think she is pretty?" "Would you do Salma Hayek if she propositioned you?"

On one level this jealousy is rather harmless and even a bit flattering. Is shows that your lady is concerned about remaining attractive and desirable to you. Honesty and directness has always worked for your Maximum Leader in dealing with these little outbursts. If Mrs. Villain asked your Maximum Leader if he would "do" Salma Hayek if she was offering he would respond, "Of course. Lucky for you she isn't." Then he generally reassures Mrs. Villain that she is the only woman for him (until the MWO - then all bets are off). (And he also adds that if Salma and your Maximum Leader hooked up that would mean a free pass for Mrs. Villain and Johnny Depp or George Clooney. But not both.)

So at the casual, trifling level jealousy may not be such a bad thing. But this light-hearted jealousy is not the only type of level of jealousy.

Jealousy becomes a serious problem for a relationship when it becomes all consuming. Your Maximum Leader has know a surprising number of women who allow themselves to be controlled by jealous men. Your Maximum Leader has an acquaintance here in town who has an ex-wife, let's call her Jane. Jane is now with a new man. And he is consumed by a jealousy which which your Maximum Leader is somewhat surprised. Jane is not allowed to leave the house without her cellular phone on her person, activated, and fully charged. Jane's beau (let's call him Norman) calls her every 15 minutes when she is out of the house. When Norman is at work, he calls Jane at home (she is a stay at home mom) every 30 minutes. If she doesn't answer, he calls on the cell phone. If she still doesn't answer he has been known to leave work and start looking for her. Norman threatened to beat up a guy for looking at Jane in a shopping mall. Norman is a jealous posessive psychopath. But Jane LOVES it. She feels that Norman loves her in a way that no other man has ever loved her before. He is, in her words, "so committed to me."

She got the committed part right at any rate. Your Maximum Leader suspects that this relationship will end with someone being dead and someone else in a mental institution.

In the end, jealousy is more of a problem for relationships than a benefit. Because jealousy is a nagging, uncertain, distraction from all of the other things that go into making a relationship (and life) work. If you are jealously wondering what your other half is doing, you're not focusing on yourself, not concerned about what you are doing, and not thinking about how to keep your relationship growing and interesting.

That is all for this week's installment of Le Club des Hommes. Check out the Divas: Dead Sexy Sadie, Chrissy, Silk, Kathy, and guest diva, Joan. Then you are enjoined to read the other "Hommes": The Wizard, Phin, and Stiggy.

Carry on.

UPDATE: Your Maximum Leader has it on good authority that the title of this post should be "Le Club des Hommes" not "Les Club des Hommes." Who is this good authority? Well it would be the Big Hominid. And he knows his French. Indeed, if your Maximum Leader had thought about it for more than a moment, he might have remember the years of French he took in secondary school and college and not made "Club" plural. He wasn't really thinking. Since "Hommes" was plural he just went plural crazy. Anyho... The change has been made. The Big Hominid also tells your Maximum Leader that "La Jalousie" is also a type of venetian blind. This tidbit is both interesting and humourous. It is humourous because your Maximum Leader gets a mental picture of a jealous wife looking through venetian blinds at her husband talking to the red-haired neighbour with the pert breasts and alluring green eyes...