the so-called "definitive list"

[NB: This letter is from Jacques Chirac.]

Monsieur,

Many claims were initially made by the MWO's Maximum Leader about the existence of this "definitive list," and those claims formed the argumentative groundwork for certain unsavory actions undertaken by the MWO. Those unsavory actions include the theft of massive amounts of French wine and cheese; the stationing of a nuclear submarine off France's west coast, near Nantes; the capture and removal from our borders of over 4000 swarthy Provencale women aged between 18 and 29; the covert installation of a mobile missile launcher on the territory of Omaha Beach; the placement of a giant papier-mache hand upon the Eiffel Tower (the hand is performing a foul gesture with its middle finger); the forced, televised sodomization of Dominique de Villepin by an angry horse (with commentary by Patrick Poivre-d'Arvor); and the apparently coordinated mass-steamrollering of over 20 million poodles in all the major cities of France.

Unfortunately, it has now become apparent that the vaunted "definitive list," despite intensive search efforts to dredge it up, in fact appears not to exist. France is formally registering its displeasure with the MWO's recent unsavory actions, and its suspicions that the MWO has been dealing in falsehoods. We are submitting a copy of this letter to the Secretary General of the United Nations and to PETA. Unless the MWO is able to produce this document within 30 days, France will be obliged to write and "cc" another letter of complaint.

Signed,

Trou de Cul