July 25, 2005

The Dangers of Writing in the Third Person.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has stared into the crystal ball. He's seen the future.

And he fears the future very much.

Mr. DeMille... I'm ready for my closeup...

Carry on.

Alien Does The Bard

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader commends for your viewing and reading pleasure:

The Harfleur Soliliquy from Henry V as interpreted by the alien from "Cosmic Import." As you may know, Cosmic Import is a recurring comic done by our very own Poet Laureate.

Critical assessment: The Alien is no Kenneth Branagh or Larry Olivier. But he is more animated than Biff Baker who once played Henry V in a Hayfield High School production of this play.

Carry on.

Sharm el-Sheikh.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is not at all surprised by the recent bombings in Sharm el-Sheikh, Egypt. Indeed, the Red Sea resort seems like a great target for terrorists. It has a reputation for being "secure." Diplomats love it. And it is in a muslim country.

Why do these factors make Sharm el-Sheikh a great target. Because it feeds the fear that the terrorists need to survive. According to news reports, the Egyptian police are looking for some Pakistani men in relation to the blast. Pakistan says that it couldn't be Pakistani nationals responsible. One surmises that the Egyptians are also looking for Saudi's (and 80 year old white-women from the American midwest).

Your Maximum Leader thinks that attacking Sharm el-Sheikh, and London, the terrorists are starting a new wave of attacking soft targets. These attacks will likely continue across the globe and culminate in an attack on the US in September. Your Maximum Leader hopes that police, intelligence, and military forces around the world are on high alert. Because he doesn't see that there will be a let-up any time soon.

Carry on.

The Madness of King George.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader read over the wire that a new report seems to link King George III's madness to Arsenic.

This is something like a whole cottage industry among historians. What caused George III to go mad? (First porphyria, now arsenic.) Did the British poison Napoleon? Was Anna Anderson actually Annastasia Romanov? All those questions that made Leonard Nimoy lots of money in the 70's because of "In Search Of..."

All in all it probably isn't too important what caused George III to go mad. What was important was that "Prinny" became Regent, Pitt kept the nation going, Wellington defeated Napoleon, and the nation of shopkeepers endured.

That said... It is still an interesting piece.

Carry on.

July 22, 2005


Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has a very busy day ahead of him. He must attend to a number of different situations and will likely not be able to blog at all.

Consider yourselves warned.

Also... Expect changes. Great and glorious changes.

Expect them soon.

Carry on.


Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader reads that Stiggy has recently lost a dear friend and mentor. He has my deepest condolences.

Carry on.

July 21, 2005

Le Club des Hommes: Embarassing Dates (Late Edition)

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader, for reasons now passing understanding, was much delayed in publishing this piece for the Men's Club/Divas Thursday. Indeed this topic, "Embarassing Dates" is a toughy for your Maximum Leader. He doesn't recall that many embarassing dates. Perhaps he's blocked them out. Perhaps he didn't date enough to be embarassed. Perhaps all his first dates were embarassing and he was just too egotistical to admit it.

Regardless, one date stands out as particularly bad. So he will recount that experience...

A few months after the Minister of Agriculture was lucky enough to wed the lovely Mrs. Smallholder, your Maximum Leader went to visit the happy couple at their domicile in the suburbs of Chicago. At this point, your Maximum Leader was a not-so-swingin' bachelor. The Smallholder, being a good friend, started working over Mrs. Smallholder to present him with a list of suitable young ladies who might act as a "date" for any nights out we might have during our visit.

It turns out that a college friend of Mrs. Smallholder was in also living in the area and was open to meeting your Maximum Leader. So one night during your Maximum Leader's visit, "S" joined us for dinner. As it turns out, your Maximum Leader and "S" hit it off and discovered that we had many things in common.

Your Maximum Leader returned to Virginia, but he and "S" kept in touch. Some e-mails. A note or two in the mail. And phone calls. Your Maximum Leader returned to the greater Chicagoland area and tried to pitch a little more woo in "S's" direction.

After a little while, "S" agreed to come to VA to spend a few days with your Maximum Leader. And that is where the detail of our story begins.

After picking up "S" at Dulles Airport, your Maximum Leader returned her to the great valley of the Shennendoah in Virginia. It was May (as he remembers) and the weather was great. "S" claimed to love the mountains and wanted to go and see some of the sites along Skyline Drive - a scenic route along the ridge of the mountains.

So the day after "S" arrived, your Maximum Leader took "S" up to the mountains. We resolved to go on a little hike and see the Black Water Falls. A particularly nice set of waterfalls with a nice 3 mile hike beginning and ending at a single parking area.

Your Maximum Leader had done the hike before, so he knew the grade wasn't bad and that it was a good trail on which to walk and talk and pitch a little woo. The trail wasn't so difficult or technical that one had to pay contant attention to what you were doing.

And therein lay the heart of the problem.

Your Maximum Leader and "S" drove out to the trail's beginning in your Maximum Leader's much beloved 1991 Honda Civic DX. The car was red. Got great mileage. And was fun to drive because it handled pretty well and was manual transmission.

We started out on the trail. The trail began by going downhill to the bottom of the falls. That was the really steep grade. Then there was a gentle arching path back up to the top. Your Maximum Leader and "S" did the downhill stretch in no time. We stopped at the bottom, looked at the falls. And chatted about lots of mindless subjects.

At this point your Maximum Leader started to notice that "S" wasn't quite as warm and open as she'd been in times past. Indeed she seemed a little standoffish and distant.

Your Maximum Leader, while walking and making small-talk, was going over in his mind how he might change tactics. And around that time he noticed a large tree had fallen across the path. There are a number of ways one can traverse a tree which has fallen across your path. Your Maximum Leader, breaking one of the cardinal rules of hiking, decided to take the glamourous way of traversing the fallen tree. With a few steps of a running start, he bounded over the tree. He hoped to impress "S" with this (rather minor) show of agility and prowess.

Alas and unfortunately for him, upon landing on the other side of the tree his first leg to touch down did so in a small hole covered by a flurry of leaves and blocked from view by the bulk of the tree. This leg became caught and twisted violently as the rest of your Maximum Leader's (considerable) bulk tried to gracefully and athletically finish the follow through.

It was a stroke of luck that your Maximum Leader didn't fully break his leg right then. But he severely sprained it. He fell and grimaced in pain. Indeed, he remembers doing all he could to keep from crying out in agonizing pain.

"S" while concerned, was not overly helpful. She wasn't really sure what to do. She didn't really try to investigate how she might help your striken Maximum Leader.

After a few moments of sitting on the ground and letting the pain abate somewhat your Maximum Leader realized a few things. First, he was about 1.5 miles from his car. Second, he could feel his ankle swelling badly within his shoe and sock. Third, he knew that he wasn't sure how rapidly aid would come to him if he wanted to wait for it - and aid most likely wouldn't carry him out.

So he resolved to huff it back to the car.

He exhorted "S" to look around and try and find a reasonably straight tree branch that was still green enough to be used as a support as he walked. Your Maximum Leader had, on previous occasions, been able to find such walking sticks in abundance on previous visits to the same area. But it took "S" about 20 minutes and 2 failed attempts before she found a branch both long enough and green enough to support any of your Maximum Leader's weight as he walked.

That 1.5 miles was most likely the most painful 1.5 miles your Maximum Leader has ever walked. He couldn't make it more than a few steps before he was nearly blinded by pain. So it took a while.

During the walk, "S" stayed a few steps ahead. And silent. Granted at this point your Maximum Leader probably wasn't in top conversational form, but he would have gladly made a self-deprecating quip from time to time. (Which in fact he remember doing in a feeble attempt to engage in some sort of conversation.)

After a painful interval of walking, we finally reached the car. Whereupon "S" stated firmly and clearly that she didn't know how to drive a stick. Your Maximum Leader offered up that is was unlikely that he could operate the clutch on the car as his left ankle had now swollen to roughly twice it's normal size and was a dark violet colour. He asked if she'd like to learn. It wasn't hard...

"S" didn't want to learn. She didn't want to try to learn.

So. Your Maximum Leader drove 25 some miles along curvy mountainy roads all the while using his bad leg to operate the clutch and perform engine breaking and shifting to control the car. "S" busied herself with making sure the radio was on and playing rather upbeat pop music.

Your Maximum Leader drove to the emergency room at the local hospital. "S" indicated she'd be happy to wait in the waiting room while he was being seen. Your Maximum Leader's foot and ankle were packed in ice and his shoe and sock cut off. It wasn't a pretty site. Indeed at first your Maximum Leader thought he wouldn't be surprised if the foot just withered and fell off below the ankle. It looked that bad.

The doctor asked if "your girlfriend can drive you home?" To which your Maximum Leader responded, "No." The doctor laughed as if your Maximum Leader was joking. Then he became rather grave and said that your Maximum Leader should stay off the leg for 2-3 days.

Well, upon being discharged, your Maximum Leader drove himself (and "S") to his apartment.

Upon arriving at his residence he ordered pizza, got a beer, and took a painkiller.

It was at this point that "S" decided to "have a talk" with your Maximum Leader. She said that although she did come all the way from Chicago to see him, she really wasn't interested in moving forward in the relationship. If she had left it at that, it would have been a little better. But she continued that she had this "friend" in Chicago who she really trusted. It turns out this "friend" was a man. He informed her that your Maximum Leader was just a horny bastard and only out to get in her pants. Now admittedly, that thought had crossed your Maximum Leader's mind at some point. But that thought was far from his mind as he nursed his beer and wondered to himself how long it was going to be before the painkiller kicked in.

Then "S" proceeded to describe her history with this "friend." As she went in to more and more detail it became clear to your Maximum Leader that "S" was actually completely smitten with this "friend." And the "friend" - from his actions - didn't give a damn about her, except insomuch as he didn't want her to see anyone else. And oddly, at some level "S" knew and understood that too.

As the beer and painkillers were beginning to take affect, your Maximum Leader decided since it was obvious that this "date" had long since gone to hell he might as well be honest. So your Maximum Leader informed "S" that she could have very well told him this information over the phone, in a letter, or even an e-mail. "S" said she wasn't sure about any of this until she talked to her "friend" the night before she came to visit. So she didn't know until she arrived.

At this point your Maximum Leader suggested that the conversation was at an end and that we should get some sleep. He slept on the sofa. She in his bed.

The next morning your Maximum Leader awoke to discover "S" completely packed and on the phone. She was calling an aunt in the DC area asking if she could come over and spend a few days with her. Upon hanging up she asked your now roused Maximum Leader if he would mind her cutting the "weekend" short and driving her to her aunt's house.

Your Maximum Leader, being a gentleman and all, agreed it would be best. He made a few calls to see if he could borrow an automatic transmission car from on of his friends to make this journey. Much to his chagrin and surprise he discovered that none of his friends drove automatic transmission cars. (Which is very odd considering the automatic/manual ratio in this great nation.)

So your Maximum Leader drove "S" to her aunt's house. 3 hours away. Luckily for your Maximum Leader his grandparents lived just two miles from "S's" aunt.

Upon arriving your Maximum Leader excused himself for not getting out of the car and walking "S" to the door. "S" said that she'd be in touch. To which your Maximum Leader remembers responding, "Don't bother."

For other tales of dates gone wrong check out: Phin, The Wizard, Sadie, Chrissy, Kathy, and Silk.

Carry on.

Acropolis Restoration Near Completion

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is pleased to read that the much hyped Acropolis facelift is nearly finished. Remember all that money raised by the Olympics was going to go to restoring and preserving the Acropolis. It should be stunning.

Your Maximum Leader will have to add Athens to the list of placed to visit as soon as possible...

...In case some terrorist bastards decide they want to finish what the Turks left undone.

Carry on.

Oh No.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that there are Explosions reported on London tube, bus -police.

More as this develops.

Carry on.

July 20, 2005

Beamed Up (James Doohan - RIP)

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader reads with some sadness that James Doohan, of Star Trek fame, has died of pneumonia complicated by Alzheimers. He was 85.

Chief Engineer Montgomery Scot of the Starship Enterprise is an enduring character of TV and film. And James Doohan will be immortal for that role.

Your Maximum Leader learned a few years back that Doohan had stormed the beached of Normandy with Canadian troops on D-day. But until reading this obituary, he had no idea that the Nazis shot off one of his fingers. Wow! Shot 6 times. A wounded war vet. Perhaps we should remember his as much for that as for any character role.

Carry on.

Kitchen Appliances

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader read the most recent post from the great and mighty Velociman concerning electric can openers.

Like the Velociman, your Maximum Leader can't stand electric can openers. Now, your Maximum Leader will admit to having spent some ungodly amount approaching $18 for some piece-of-crap ergonomic über-can-opener once. He forgets who made it. But he loved it. It worked with little effort. And that can opener never had to be "fiddled with" or "adjusted" to get it to work... Well, your Maximum Leader never had to fiddle or adjust the can opener. Mrs. Villain hated it. It never worked for her. It would slip. It would fail to pierce the top of the can. It would take about 15 cranks to get it halfway around the can. She hated it. She threw it in the sink. She threw it on the floor. She cursed at it. She cursed your Maximum Leader for insisting that it "worked fine" for him. If your Maximum Leader remembers correctly, she even cut her finger with it once.

To her that $18 can opener was anathema. She wanted it cast into the outer darkness. She damned it on its coming and going. She wanted a great dark chasm in the earth to open and swallow it whole.

Then one day, the $18 can opener disappeared. Gone. Vanished without a trace. Your Maximum Leader made no mention of it. And since he had no cans to open, it didn't seem like a pressing issue. He made a note to pick up a new can opener if the $18 can opener didn't reappear.

The next day there was a new can opener in the Villainschloss. It was an ugly piece of equipment. Oversized rubber grips. A massive half-moon handle with some plastic coating on it. Very little metal showing. And although it wieghed a lot more than the $18 can opener, it felt cheap. Somewhere on the grip it was emblazoned with the word "Farberware." Your Maximum Leader saw the reciept for the new can opener in the trash. $5.99.

The Farberware can opener works fine. It rarely slips. It always seems to work effectively. But it doesn't work with the ease and style that the $18 can opener did. Your Maximum Leader really liked the $18 can opener.

But it is gone. And will likely never return.

And Mrs. Villain has never complained about the new one.

Carry on.


Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is sending himself a memo. Never get sarcastic with the Crack Young Staff of The Hatemonger's Quarterly. One wonders if Dr. Cloud has had enough, or if she will come back for more.

Carry on.

July 19, 2005

Hermeneutics Of Scalia

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader just had a good chuckle. It was a chuckle in part because what he read was funny. In part his chuckle was a nervous one based in fear.

The cause was Jeff's recent post: In which I discuss hermeneutics with a leftover steamed dumpling from last night's dim sum meal, 4

Your Maximum Leader will let you figure it out.

Carry on.

How Can This Be?

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader learns from the always informative Mr. Joyner that according to a new NPR poll Public Likes Democrats Less than Republicans.

Wow. And considering all those other polls your Maximum Leader reads (but to which he doesn't link) Republicans are only slightly edging out Used Car Salesmen, Pedophile Priests, and Carnies in the popularity department. One wonders where that puts the Democrats.

Sorta scary really.

Carry on.

Does This Seem Like a Bad Idea?

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that the President is going to name his nominee to replace Sandra Day O'Connor in a Prime Time press conference tonight.

This strikes your Maximum Leader as a bad thing. He can't put his finger on why. But he thinks it is.

On the one hand, it is doubtful that reporters would know enough about every possible nominee to have good questions ready at the press conference. So that might be a little bit of a plus. But it seems that it may not be good timing. Certainly it may deflect some of the Rove attacks, but he'll still get hammered on that stuff too. And why do this now? Your Maximum Leader thought he would wait until closer to August and give the Senate less time to dish up the dirt on a nominee.

Well... We'll see how it goes.

Carry on.

Scopes Trial Photos.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is always amazed to read what things people find in dusty attics. But discoveries by individuals of interesting artifacts in private homes doesn't really amaze him. Afterall, he's sure that we all have stuff we never knew about tucked away in boxes here and there. And those boxes can go decades or generations without being opened.

But what really amazes him is when someone finds some interesting artifacts in a collection that had been donated to a college, antiquarian society, museum, or other research institution. One would think that the donation would be catalogued and inventoried at the time it was accepted. Your Maximum Leader knows that colleges, antiquarian societies, museums and research institution are generally not swimming in cash therefore they don't always catalogue or inventory donated collections.

And because of that you sometimes get a great find. Like the one announced today by the Smithsonian. It seems that a researcher has found "lost" photos taken during the Scopes "Monkey" Trial. The official release from the Smithsonian is a 2.75 MB pdf found here.

What an amazing find. According to the release there is an action shot of Clarence Darrow and William Jennings Bryan on the lawn in front of the courthouse arguing some point. (The trial was moved out of the courthouse onto the courthouse lawn due to the crowds.)

And for the first time in his life, your Maximum Leader now knows what John Thomas Scopes looks like. He's read all about the trial, but never seen a photo of Scopes.

It is pretty incredible stuff.

If you Maximum Leader weren't being Maximum Leaderly, he wouldn't mind just volunteering to go through and inventory and catalogue various collections at the Smithsonian. He wouldn't be an efficent worker, but he'd have lots of fun.

Carry on.

Non-Rove Contraversy

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that there is a mini-kerfluffle concering members of the Northwestern University Ladies LaCrosse Team wearing flip-flops to their White House meeting with President Bush.

First off, your Maximum Leader is glad that college-chicka footwear is a big enough story to deflect some attention away from Karl Rove. But frankly, to maximize the cover that this story could bring to the White House your Maximum Leader suggests that some other Senior White House Staffer start dating one of the women atheletes in question. Perhaps it should be Scott McClellan. Or perhaps they could bring Ari Fleischer back just for this mini-scandal.

Secondly, the flip-flops in question, while probably not what your Maximum Leader would allow one of the Villainettes to wear to the White House don't appear to be that eggregious. But your Maximum Leader will defer to others who know these things better. Like the very lovely Annika, or perhaps Minion Molly.

Carry on.

William Westmoreland - RIP

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees on the wire that General William C. Westmoreland has died.

General Westmoreland was for a time commander of US forces in Vietnam. Your Maximum Leader is conflicted, as are so many Americans, about Westmoreland. Personally, your Maximum Leader feels that Westmoreland did the best he could with the resources at his disposal and under the conditions for action set for him by LBJ and Robert McNamara (et al).

Westmoreland was, to say the least, a contraversial figure. May he now rest in peace.

Carry on.

Even More On Rove...

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader continues to be amazed at how hard the whole Rove story is being played by both sides. The Dems will not rest until Rove is hanged. And now the President has officially lowered the ethics bar to the "you had to do something illegal" level to be fired.

Of course, this issue would be a non-issue (almost) if Rove were to step aside on his own.

Perhaps there is another aspect of this. While the Rove story burns bright, other stories are on the back burner. Like potential supreme court justices, social security, the war. All that stuff. Is is possible (though improbable) that the Administration is working behind the scenes while the l'affaire Rove keeps attention focued elsewhere?

Anyway... For more thoughtful consideration and punditry on the Rove situation, so and read Skippy's latest. It seems your Maximum Leader isn't the only one who makes Skippy feel sexy any more...

There is only one item which your Maximum Leader would like to interject into Skippy's point. It appears that there is a list kept by the CIA called the "NOC" list. It was mentioned by Eleanor Cliff and someone else (Mort Kondrake?) on some of the Sunday talk shows. To hear it spoken about, this "NOC" list is a master list of undercover CIA agents protected under the 1982 Intellegence Agents Protection Act that is at the heart of the legal case against Rove. To hear these pundits talk about it, Valerie Plame was not on the "NOC" list. Where this is made unclear is that the CIA referred this leak on the Justice because there is some internal CIA discussion about how certain subject matter experts (SME) may need to be covered under the law without being on the "NOC" list. Your Maximum Leader will try and find some transcripts and update this post accordingly.

Carry on.

Totally Geekified Inside Joke

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has, from time to time, been known to play computer games to let his escape from the daily strains of being Maximum Leaderly. He recently bought "Rome: Total War." Well, he bought it about a week ago, but just loaded it Saturday night and started playing.

Now your Maximum Leader is a great fan of all the Total War games. He bought Shogun: Total War and then moved on to Medieval: Total War. Until yesterday night, he would have told you that Shogun was the best game. He would have said that for many reasons. It was so ground breaking and innovative. You get macro-level strategery for your faction and you get unit command on the micro-level when you battle other factions. The animations were excellent. And those cool movies everytime you attacked something with a ninja were cool.

Medieval brought many new features and complexities. But it also added time. It was a longer game to play. It really wasn't so much a reinvention of Shogun as much as an improvement in some areas that didn't always need to be improved. Still an excellent game, but its added complexity diminished it somewhat when compared to Shogun.

And then there was Rome. Now the campaign mode of the game looks to be even longer than Medieval. So that might not be a plus. But there are better animations and more angles at which to view both the strategic map and the battle map. Rome has made considerable improvements in how reinforcements are made during battle. Also, the way terrain is chosen on which one fights battles is vastly improved.

Though your Maximum Leader can go on and on about how much of an improvement Rome is over the other games, all the improvements pale in comparison to ONE.

The object of the game (in Rome: Total War) is to lead one of the three great Roman families to become Emperor and conqueror of most of the world. You can choose the Julii, the Brutii, or the Scipii. Each family has members (depicted on a neat family tree) who are your generals, governors, and so on. Your family can also recruit diplomats, spies, and assassins. All these "characters" (ie: family members, diplomats, spies, and assassins) can have retinues. These retinues are sub-characters who add to or detract from certain abilities of the main characters they follow. For example, in your Maximum Leader's game many of his diplomats have translators in their retinues. Having a translator in a diplomat's retinue makes it more likely that the diplomat can complete a mission. Some of his family members have siege engineers, poets, priests, exotic slaves, philosophers, and playwrights in their retinues. But there is one retinue that just made your Maximum Leader laugh and laugh and laugh. It was the ONE improvement to which he just alluded.

In the game your Maximum Leader recruited/trained an assassin. This assassin was sent on a number of successful missions. He killed two Gallic diplomats and then a Gallic general. After killing the Gallic general a message indicator appeared on the screen. It seemed that the assassin had acquired a retinue. This was strange as your Maximum Leader couldn't imagine what sort of a retinue an assassin would have. So your Maximum Leader read the message. The assassin had a catamite in his retinue.

A catamite.


There are probably two readers of this blog who will find this as funny as does your Maximum Leader.

For the rest of you loyal readers... Sorry. Inside joke.

Carry on.

July 18, 2005

Cry Havoc! And Let Slip...

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was over reading JohnL's fine blog when he saw this web-thingie to get your own battle cry. So, in a never ending quest to surpass the Big Hominid's post total here is another stupid post...

According to this machine your Maximum Leader's battle cry is either:

What Is Your Battle Cry?

Stalking across the plains, wielding a vorpal blade, cometh The Maximum Leader! And he gives a bloodthirsty cry:

"For the love of beatings, I shall make bloody music with your nation's populace!"

Find out!
Enter username:
Are you a girl, or a guy ?

created by beatings : powered by monkeys

Or this:

What Is Your Battle Cry?

Stalking over the wasteland, carrying buzzsaw hand extensions, cometh Your Maximum Leader! And he gives a bloodthirsty howl:

"For the love of carnage and discord, I bring darkness and mayhem like a river of pure piranha!!!"

Find out!
Enter username:
Are you a girl, or a guy ?

created by beatings : powered by monkeys

Of course, your Maximum Leader already has a battle cry. If you recall it is: "Close your eyes!" He doesn't need anything more fancy. After all, he was born of Time and Struggle, is Protector of the Realm and Vanquisher of the Other Kingdom, and is the prophet, sage, leader, and lover of you all.

Carry on.

Overheard in Austrailia

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader wants to relate to you a little incident of which he heard outside a movie theatre.

(Imagine Aussie accents if you will...)
Patron 1: G'day there mate. That was a pretty good film, eh?
Patron 2: Wha? Pretty good? Crikey! That was the best bleedin' film you're gonna see this side of Sydney.
Patron 1: I dunno mate. It was pretty good and all. But don't you think that it wasn't all it could be?
Patron 2: Whattya mean? It was artsy. There was plenty of violence. And it's got that Jessica Alba in it. She's hot mate. Really hot.
Patron 1: Sure. The film was entertaining, but it didn't contain any of the required elements of an Aristotelian tragedy. In that respect, it didn't adhere to a classical form; which as we call can agree is a requirement for superlative filmmaking.
Patron 2: What are you saying? You high?
Patron 1: I'm just saying the film is good. Not great.
Patron 2: I think you're fuckin' effete bastard. Who the fuck do you think you are mate? Roger-fucking-Ebert? You're certainly fat enough to be.
Patron 1: Now there's no reason to start cursing mate...
Patron 2: Whattya mean "there's no reason to start cursing mate?" Of course there's a reason. You're fuckin' mad. Mad. Mad. Mad.
Patron 1: Stop that now. I'm not mad. You're provoking me.
Patron 2: Provoking you? Now you've gone round the bend my friend. Round the fucking bend.
Patron 1: Don't say that. I'm just trying to say.
Parton 2: I don't really care. Shut up.
Patron 1: I'm just trying...
Patron 2: Shut up.
Patron 1: No really, I'm...
Patron 2: No. Shut the fuck up.
Patron 1: I really don't...
Patron 2: If you don't...
Patron 1: But I...
Patron 2: Alright! You've had it.

[Patron 2 bites nose off Patron 1 and flees into the night.]

Well... That's what is might have been like anyhow.

Carry on.

Who Knew?

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that there can be serious cardio-vascular reprecussions for watching porn in India.

Stop snickering! Not that type of cardio-vascular reprecussions.

It seems police made nearly 200 men who were watching a porn movie were forced to do sit-ups in public to shame them. They were also made to promise that they would never watch porn again.

First off... Who knew that porn was illegal in India? You know with a population of nearly 2 Billion people you might think that they would want to encourage more masturbation and less reproduction. But that aside...

Who knew that doing sit-ups in public was shameful? That doesn't seem so bad to your Maximum Leader. Now surely watching your Maximum Leader do sit-ups might not be that much of a joyful experience to you, but it doesn't seem all that shameful to him. In India is there a cultural more about exercising in public of which your Maximum Leader is unaware? Are there no gyms or fitness clubs with large windows facing the street so that passers-by can gawk at the hardbodied patrons work out?

All-in-all, this story has made your Maximum Leader wonder more about that mysterious place called India. (Or in-jah for those of you who prefer the old British colonial pronounciation.)

Carry on.

Throw Away Lines

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader loves "throw away lines." You know the ones. The casually stated quip that is really funny and clever.

One of your Maximum Leader's favourite throw away lines was delivered by Harvey Korman in History of the World Part 1. Korman was playing the Count De Monet in the Louis XVI part. After his catty (and heretofore unnamed) sidekick said something snide Korman turned and said, "Don't get saucy with me Bernaise." That is a great line.

Well. Your Maximum Leader was over on Phin's Blog and he read a great throw away line. It is on the masthead right under the little fishy Phin. It made your Maximum Leader laugh.

Carry on.

UPDATE: Because Phin's tag lines rotate (like your Maximum Leader's) the one to which he was referring was, "Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic."

Black Sun Not Rising Yet

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that the Big Hominid is forecasting the rising of the crueler than Kali mistress that is this blog. Well, fear not... That black day is not yet upon you. Yes, for now the Big Hominid (and presumably the rest of you) may rest easier knowing that the day when Naked Villainy surpasses and far exceeds Hairy Chasms in the total number of posts published has not yet come. And it might not for a week or two.

Why you ask? Well, it seems as though the other various bloggers here aren't posting too much over the summer. So there is that. And due to a confluence of odd circumstances it looks like your Maximum Leader will not be able to post quite as much as he would like.

Anyway, it shouldn't be such a big deal. Of the 2052 posts on Hairy Chasms, the Big Hominid has written almost all of them. Of the 2044 posts on Naked Villainy he figures he's only written about 60%. So that has to be worth something.

In other news... The Naked Villainy site redesign is coming along well. It shouldn't be too much longer...

Carry on.

July 17, 2005

More on Rachael Ray.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has, from time to time, in this space lusted after Giada DeLaurentiis. Although it looks as though Giada needs to eat a little more she is still pretty hot. This subject even became a discussion point for Brian as well. Indeed, Brian went so far as to say he would like to be the deli meat in a Gaida DeLaurentiis/Rachael Ray sandwich. Frankly, that is place your Maximum Leader wouldn't mind being either.

Well... With that in mind...

Your Maximum Leader stumbled upon an open letter to Rachael Ray from a blog called "Blind Cave Fish", but subtitled: "jess needs a spanking."

Now your Maximum Leader can't be sure, but depending on how cute Jess is and what it might lead to he might be willing to administer the spanking. If he cannot, well then he could always recommend Skippy.


Jess at Blind Cave Fish seems to think that Rachael Ray is not hot and should stop acting like she is. Well Jess. You are wrong. Rachael Ray is hot. Not only because she will wear a skimpy outfit for FHM magazine, but also because she would probably cook dinner for us in 30 minutes (in a skimpy outfit) and then gush all over us about how great sex with us is. Trust your Maximum Leader on this one. Cute girls who cook for you and then go on and on about how great sex was are great. To quote Paris Hilton, "That's hot."

Sure Rachael is a little overexposed (ahem). And she is almost annoyingly happy. But she is really really cute. And she looks like she'd be lots and lots of fun to hang with. And guys like cute, happy girls. Brooding ain't sexy.

So Jess, lay off Rachael. She's just being herself. And call your Maximum Leader if you really need that spanking.

Carry on.

July 16, 2005

More On "The Aristocrats"

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that there is a review of the new film The Aristocrats on the Reuters news wire.

Thanks to a loyal minion, your Maximum Leader now knows the joke. And it turns out, he remembers seeing a comedian (forget the name) say the joke as he was bombing at a comedy club in Dee Cee circa 1989. Perhaps the reason he couldn't remember the joke was that a) there are so many variations on the theme and b) he tried to blot out the memory of that awful comedian he saw so many years ago.

Without meaning to sound all hoi-polloi and effete, (though he is) your Maximum Leader wonders if this joke isn't like comedian jazz. Have you ever seen sheet music for Jazz? It is a few measures to get things going and then to wrap up the piece. So from two sheets of music you might get 10-15 minutes of improv among the great musicians.

Perhaps "the Aristocrats" joke is the same. You have to *BE* there to get it. Because reading the transcripts of the joke don't really do it for your Maximum Leader.

Carry on.

July 15, 2005

Must... Stop... Now...

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader must say that that fuali.com site is quite addictive.

That Diva's Fight Club is fun. Your Maximum Leader would have to say that Lil Kim is probably the toughest of the bunch. But he'd pay money to see Lil Kim and J-Lo smackdown. Me-ow!

BTW... Your Maximum Leader has also just seen for the first time the Jessica Simpson video for her remake of "These Boots Are Made For Walkin'." And let him go on the record... It stirred... Feelings... Powerful... Feelings... Not as powerful as Skippy's feelings for Jess, but powerful nonetheless.

Carry on.

What? Is That A Bandwagon?

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader, in a desperate attempt to distract himself from other matters, has decided to go ahead and take a whole bunch of quizzes from over at fuali.com. Some suggested by Brian and others by the Llamas.

So. Your Maximum Leader will see your two, and raise you two.

I am 17% Hippie.
So Not a Hippie.
What? Am I a Republican? Why did I even bother taken this test?! I guess I’ll back to my George W. Bush fan club and tell them I just wasted 10 minutes of my life. At least I don’t stink, man.

I am 5% Idiot.
Friggin Genius
I am not annoying at all. In fact most people come to me for advice. Of course they annoy the hell out of me. But what can I do? I am smarter than most people.

I am 24% Geek.
I wish I was a Geek. But alas I am not. Damn.
I wanna be a geek. But I'm not. Why would I even want to be one. Do I think it's fun? I should try writting an online test application at 1 am in my underwear

I am 50% Internet Addict.
Total Internet Addict!
I am pretty addicted, but there is hope. I think I'm just well connected to the internet and technology, but it's really a start of a drug-like addiction. I must act now! Unplug this computer!

Carry on.

Without Chemicals...

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was speaking to his sainted mother last night. But before jumping in a little background may be in order. Your Maximum Leader's sainted mother lives on the same street she grew up on. For many years the house up the street was owned by a brilliant man who's wife loved gardening. She passed on in 1985 and he recently remarried and moved to a huge horse farm in the country. Before moving, he sold his house (and large lot) to a developer. His house was demolished. The wooded lot cleared. And now 3 "McMansions" are being built on the same spot.

Anyhow... When the old house was demolished, the basement of the house was exposed. And remaining in the basement of the now-gone house were racks and racks of gardening chemicals. They were purchased between 1949 and 1985.

Your Maximum Leader's sainted mother worried that there might be unstable chemcials in the mix. She worried that any chemicals down there might be harmful if not disposed of correctly.

Your Maximum Leader on the other hand wondered if there was any DDT in the racks. Cause if there was, he'd go and get it.

Damn. Wasn't DDT such wonderful stuff?

Okay. If you are Rachel Carson is wasn't.

But stop and think for a moment. DDT eliminated malaria in the US. One of the biggest killers of Americans in the South - eliminated by one chemcial. You don't hear much about malaria in the US. Because there isn't anything to talk about. For that we should all thank the Rockefeller family and DDT.

DDT, when not overused, is a great chemical. And it is a much maligned chemical. Just read this piece from Junkscience.com Your Maximum Leader would love to get some DDT and fog around the Villainschloss this time of year to kill off the swarms of mosquitos coming up from the small pools in the woods near the Villainschloss. They breed so quickly. The frogs and such just gorge themselves on mosquito larve and still the little bloodsuckers just keep coming. And they are those nasty tiger mosquitos. The ones with the little stripes on them. Your Maximum Leader doesn't remember seeing the striped mosquitos when he was younger.

But he'd bet that DDT would kill them.

Carry on.

In Honour Of Potter...

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader saw a neat Sorting Hat quiz over on Galley Slaves and decided to see which of the Hogwarts Houses he'd be sorted into.

Much to his surprise... Well... Sort of to his surprise he got:

Want to Get Sorted?

a Ravenclaw!

He wasn't expecting Ravenclaw... But that's not too bad.

Carry on.

Not For The Thin-Skinned.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader must make a confession. He didn't watch any of the Live 8 show(s). Well, that is not entirely true. He watched about 2 minutes of Annie Lennox performing "Why." Your Maximum Leader has a soft spot in his heart for Ms. Lennox's singing. He caught her singing while surfing; and watched until a commercial break. So, for the sake of full disclosure, he did actually watch 2 minutes of Live 8.

Why did he not view this great outpouring of compassion for suffering Africans? Well frankly it is because he feels that much of Africa's suffering is self-inflicted. Until serious systemic and cultural problems are addressed by Africans there isn't much hope of improving their dismal situation.

And the second reason was that your Maximum Leader can't stand pontificating rock stars. He is happy to have bloggers, politicians, writers, commentators, news readers, reporters, and even Al Roker bloviate about "current affairs this" or "topical subject that." But when movie stars and rock stars start telling your Maximum Leader that he ought to feel guilty about his living in wealth, freedom, and security in America, he wants to jump up and kick their soft teeth down their whiney throats. (If your Maximum Leader may borrow a phrase from the junior Senator of his fine Commonwealth.)

It seems as though some of the staff of The Hatemonger's Quarterly have a similar idea.

Excursus: What would your Maximum Leader do with some of the Hatemonger's Staff? Well, he would likely instruct them to ghost a few columns a week. He would also make sure they could work the words: plinth, contumelious, and feculent into at least one post a week. He imagines that Naked Villainy would also become much more funny...

When Barbara Streisand entreats your Maximum Leader to keep the Villainschloss at 78 or 85 degrees during the summer while her homes are "cold as meat lockers." It offends your Maximum Leader's tender sensibilities. (Okay, Babs isn't a "rock star" per se. She is more a 21st century female non-slave-owning Thomas Jefferson...)

Bruce Springsteen being preachy isn't pretty. Listen Boss, stick to "Jungleland" and "Thunder Road" and you'll be okay. ("Reason to Believe" is okay too.) But all this political stuff has got to go.

Now surely your Maximum Leader recognizes that these people are citizens too and entitled to an opinion. But the fact that their celebrity gives credibility to their opinions is nauseating.

And don't get your Maximum Leader started on Tom Cruise...

Carry on.

Even More On Rove.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was made happy this morning. It has turned into a positively shitty week for him, so it was with great anticipation and relish that he went on the internet to surf some of his favorite blogs.

And while surfing he discovered that he made Skippy feel pretty. You know, your Maximum Leader is all about making minions feel pretty. Provided they swear fealty and unquestioning loyalty to him... But that is another matter.

(NB to Skippy: Thanks much for that link you sent me.)


This whole Rove/Wilson/Plame thing just keeps going doesn't it? Now it seems that the source behind the source was Robert Novak. Plus Joe Wilson has said that his wife wasn't a clandestine agent when she was "outed" by Novak.

So lets get this straight. Novak does investigating on his own. During the investigating, Novak discovers that Joe Wilson is a lying bastard who's wife was a CIA person who may have pulled strings to get him sent to Africa to follow-up on the Yellowcake Uranium intel from the Brits. Novak tells Rove this tidbit. Rove passes this on to Cooper. And somehow Miller remains in jail for talking about something to someone.

So from a legal perspective, it still seems as though Rove has nothing to fear. But the calculations are different from the political perspective.

Like Skippy your Maximum Leader still feels that Rove must go. As your Maximum Leader has said before, this is a matter of the Administration setting a high standard for behaviour. Now they have to follow through on it. Your Maximum Leader agrees with Skippy that political advisors (Rove in this case) who become political issues need to go. They can't help you when they are the news.

Now once again, your Maximum Leader doesn't think Rove did anything illegal. And frankly the more we are learning about this whole mess the less sure he is that Rove did anything that was even wrong. But the President said what the President said. He doesn't need the political mess this whole matter is causing. Neither does your Maximum Leader think that he (Bush) really wants to start being viewed as a Clinton-esque parser of his own words.

That pretty much leaves one option. Ask (tell?) Rove to leave. Who knows? In a year or two he might come back. Or he might just link up with some Republican Presidential aspirant and decide to work his way back to the White House for another four years.

Carry on.

July 14, 2005

More On Teddy and Ricky

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that Brian, at Memento Moron, has picked up the banner that your Maximum Leader so carelessly left on the field and has charged the enemy position.

Read his post about the "Tippler" v. Santorum kerfluffle. It is: I've Heard of Slow Burns, But This is Ridiculous

Your Maximum Leader agrees with the overarching point of people living in a permissive society (that is civil society) wind up having more permissive attitudes and that can taint their own behaviour. Your Maximum Leader doesn't want to see a return to Puritanical dress and witch burning (nor he imagines does Brian), but having standards in society is important. We constantly see the erosion of general standard of behaviour and should wonder if by allowing people to do what they will we aren't harming ourselves a bit too much.

Carry on.

Pauline Nicholson. RIP

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader doesn't know how he missed this story. As you know, your Maximum Leader is a huge Elvis fan. So imagine his surprise and sadness when he read that Woman Who Made Elvis' Favorite Dishes Dies.

Your Maximum Leader met Pauline Nicholson once in 1998. She was signing a book at Graceland. Your Maximum Leader happened to have business in Memphis and was making a little side excursion to the Shrine of Elvis. She was also interviewed extensively for a documentary done in the mid 1990s on Elvis' diet and the "cuisine of Elvis." Your Maximum Leader might still have the show on video somewhere. If he can find the title he will update this post.

Your Maximum Leader might have to make some fried peanut butter and 'nanner sandwiches tonight in celebration of her life.

Your Maximum Leader doffs his bejeweled floppy hat in tribute to Pauline Nicholson (and Jonathan at Galley Slaves for the tip).

Carry on.

Stadium Funding

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader read about Deutche Bank agreeing to help finance the new stadium for the Washington Nationals baseball club. When he read that he knew there had to be a joke in that story.

Well, it seems Victor at Galley Slaves beat your Maximum Leader to the punch.

Calling Albert Speer. Herr Speer, your services are needed for a new stadium design...

Carry on.

Two Good Posts

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader just re-read and is thinking about two good posts from the Demosophist. He posted them on Dr. Rusty's site.

The first on is about Sources of Homicidal Angst: The "Sodatic Zone". This is an interesting thesis that the repression of women coupled with the unnatural regard for women being "special" (aka: mothers). The point is interesting and deserving of more serious thought.

The second one is Demosophist's take on the whole Rove situation. It can be found here. Your Maximum Leader agrees that not nearly enough attention has been paid to Wilson and Plame in this matter. As for the political penalty to be paid for firing Rove now, your Maximum Leader believes that one would diminish the political fallout by removing Rove sooner rather than later. To wit: you should read Skippy's comment on Annika's site. It is down the list a ways. But scroll.

Carry on.

Smallholder, He's The Epitome Of...

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader, knowing that the Smallholder is without reliable internet access, decided to take the White Trash Test on his behalf.

I am 76% White Trash.
Total White Trash!
Born in a trailer, live in a trailer, die in a trailer. I am the epitome of white trashiness. Unfortunately, I have no clue what epitome means.

Results unsurprising.

Carry on.

Effete Snob

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was over on the LlamaButchers site where he saw that Cooter advises true fans to not go and see the upcoming Dukes of Hazzard movie. There was also a quiz. So your Maximum Leader took it.

I am 17% White Trash.
Not at all White Trashy!
I, my friend, have class. I am so not white trash. . I am more than likely Democrat, and my place is neat, and there is a good chance I may never drink wine from a box.

It seems your Maximum Leader is an effete snob and not white trash. And except for that Democrat thing it is fairly accurate. Of course your Maximum Leader wonders what questions caused Robbo the Llamabutcher to score 25% on the quiz. Your Maximum Leader suspects that he had a mullet... And liked it...

Carry on.

Do Somthing Good For A Change.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader realizes that while he might be snarky, whimsical, and vapid in his social commentary fro time to time, there are serious problems in the world that need our attention and energy.

Kathy has done well to focus our attention on the problem with diabetes in our nation by discussing her nephew's condition. Go and read her post and do what you can: The Walk To Cure Diabetes

Your Maximum Leader has lost a number of relations to diabetes. So he knows a little something about the condition. Give what you are able to and help thosse who need your help.

Carry on.

Le Club des Hommes: Rejection

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is both posting and collaborating on this week's Men's Club/Divas subject. You see originally the Air Marshal was going to do the whole post; but due to a communication breakdown on the part of your Maximum Leader his friend didn't get the topic listing until he had left town on a business trip. The Air Marshal, being a good and thoughtful friend, didn't want to fall down on the job and not post anything, so he sent your Maximum Leader this to post:
How To Avoid Rejection or Deal with Rejection.

First of all, don't avoid rejection. Rejection is proof that you are trying. The only way to avoid rejection is to live a monastic life. Think about it in baseball terms. If you get rejected 2 out of 3 times, you're batting .333 and in the All Star Game. 3 out of 4 times, and you're still above the Mendoza line, and probably not in danger of getting sent to the minors.

Of course, one way to avoid rejection is to be the rejector. We all know people like that. People who freak out when something gets too good for them.

Dealing with Rejection? For guys, I recommend beer. Beer and pornos. For women, I guess it's Haagen Daaz, French Fries, and Chocolate Chip cookie dough. (But that stuff goes right to your thighs and leads to more rejection.) The best way to deal with rejection is with friends. I can't speak to how women deal, but for guys I suggest you get drunk with a bunch of guys and complain about how women suck. Or don't suck enough. Whatever. Just don't whine too much. Complaining is ok. Don't be sniveling about it. And, yes, your friends will make fun of you behind your back. (Or sometimes to your face.) Remember, what goes around comes around.
Your Maximum Leader will agree with the main points here. You've gotta get back on the horse once you've been rejected. This is hard for some. Indeed, your Maximum Leader never dealt with rejection as well or as healthily as did the Smallholder (for example). But the only way to avoid rejection is to never put yourself in a position to date.

As for dealing with rejection... Beer and friends (for guys) is a great therapy. This therapy generally starts with your buddies trying to be sympathetic. Then as the beer flows and time passes the sympathy stage moves into the "women suck" stage. This is when men share their rejection stories and collectively decide to bash the fairer sex. This second stage quickly moves into the third stage of rejection recovery, which is merciless teasing by your buddies. This is when your friends proceed to tell you what a putz you've been for dating whatever her name was. They make jokes out of all the times you ditched them to spend time with her. They mock your displays of tenderness and concern for whoever she was that you were sleeping with (or trying to sleep with). The might even go so far as to act out little vingettes of your (now former) dating life. One of your pals will play you as the obsequious sap and another will play a domineering demanding version of whozit that just dumped you. And the mockery stage is not followed nearly quickly enough by the "We need to get you laid stage." Inevitably this stage ends with a bunch of drunk guys in a stip club exhorting "Missy Mounds" to come and smother you with her 50GG breasts and put you out of your misery...

When you sober up, you're not cured; but the smarting of your spirit is diminished. And after a day or two you start to come around and realize that you aren't all that bad a guy. Once you hit that stage, it is all uphill for you.

For other takes on this subject... Surf on over to the other members of the Men's Club. There are The Wizard, Phin, and Stiggy.

Curious as to what the ladies think? Check out the Divas. There is Sadie, Chrissy, Silk, Kathy, and guest diva, Phoenix.

Carry on.

July 13, 2005

Is Teddy That Far Behind In His Reading?

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees on the politics news wire that Sen Edward Kennedy (D-Mass) is demanding that Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Penn) apologize for an opinion piece the latter wrote for Catholic Online.

Of course, the column was written in July 2002.

And Teddy is just getting around to condeming Santorum and demanding an apology. Humm... Your Maximum Leader wouldn't be surprised if the latest magazine in the senior Senator from Massachusetts' office waiting room was from 1988. One wonders if Teddy's nightstand doesn't have a new copy of 1982's bestselling book, ET.

Come on Teddy. Stay current. Your Maximum Leader is sure that there is something that Santorum has said more recently that you could be outraged over.

Carry on.

Okay... Biting...

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was intrigued by the headline: AMC theater chain doesn't get dirty joke. So he read the article.

It seems the AMC theatre chain will not show a movie called "The Aristocrats." The movie features many well-known comedians retelling and dissecting "the worlds dirtiest joke." It is supposedly vulgar, obscene, and unrated.

So, you are asking yourself, what is "the dirtiest joke?" Well, your Maximum Leader isn't sure. If you know, feel free to clue him in. He's officially hooked for the joke.

Carry on.

Don't You Just Hate It When...

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader's earlier story about a prematurely sold Harry Potter book, while perhaps amusing to you all, was not enterly accurate. It seems as though the original story to which your Maximum Leader linked was miraculously updated by the AP. According to the updated story on the AP, the book was sold to one Mandy Muldoon who was shopping for her 9 year old son.

But all that other stuff about the Writ from SCOTUS and bleeding eyes and 10 point tests... All that is true.

Carry on.

NHL Has A Deal *Yawn*

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was a great hockey fan from 1976 until 2004. He loved hockey. He went to games. Watched on TV. He was just the person the NHL relied upon to keep themselves going.

Then came the lockout. The cancelled season. The time. Now it seems that the League and the Players have an agreement in principle.

And your Maximum Leader doesn't care. He doubts he will watch any hockey. He doubts he will go to a game. He knows he will not buy any hockey stuff. He's gone a year with no product. His DTs were over months ago.

He might watch a game of the week on TV during that period from the conclusion of the Super Bowl to the beginning of Spring Training. But that is it. Oh! He'll watch Olympic hockey too. But that really is it.

Commissioner Bettman, Owners, Players, your Maximum Leader bids you all a fond adieu. It was good while it lasted. But you all suck.

Carry on.

Another Book Sold!

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that another copy of Harry Potter & the Half Blood Prince has been sold. This time in New York state. It was sold to a nine year old girl.

In other news, Scholastic (Rowling's Publisher) has received a Writ of Stoopidous Rulingus (co-signed by Justices Stevens, Breyer, and Ginsburg) ordering the girl to do the following: 1) not read the book, 2) surrender the book to Scholastic, 3) to not talk about anything she may have read in the book, 4) eat her broccoli, 5) listen to her teachers, 6) exercise three times a day, 7) stop growing, 8) refrain from sexual intercourse until she is at least 18, 9) submit written lists of everthing she buys at any store or from any individual to the Federal District Courts of New York for the next 10 years so that the court can review what economic activity she engages in can be construed as interstate commerce, and 10) buy property in an urban renewal zone so that it can be taken from her at a later date.

In other news, Retiring Justice Sandra Day O'Connor said in a C-Span interview that if this case should make it before the Court at a later time the Justices should create a 10 point test to guide lower courts in future ruling concerning premature book sales.

In other other news, Justices Scalia and Thomas check themselves in to Walter Reed Medical Center because "they feared their eyes would bleed or their brains explode" if they read anything written by their collegues on the Court.

No word on how this might affect the supposed retirement of Chief Justice Rehnquist.

Carry on.

More On Rove

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader, for the very first time ever, is now regretting that he hasn't moved faster on that blog redesign. (BTW, it is underway now... And moving...) He would love to see the nasty-gram comments his recent Rove post would be getting...

It seems that to be a right-leaning (okay, who is your Maximum Leader kidding - right-wing) blogger and be calling for Rove to resign/be fired is enough to get a serious news network to mention you on the air. No really! It happened to Dr. Rusty... Really... See his link: Hell Freezes Over: Jawas on CNN

Not only that... The lovely Annika linked to your Maximum Leader as well. And she is getting some nasty nasty comments as a result of her stance.

And the always thoughtful Buckethead at the Ministry of Minor Perfidy weighs in too. Buckethead's take is that Rove was speaking on deep background and didn't intentionally do anything to reveal Plame's name.

And to add to all this, loyal reader Powermfn writes:
How soft you are on the Karl Rove thing! Having worked in govmint I know how these things go. Loose lips sink ships. I would bet you a dozen donut holes that Rove is now cursing the moment he even brought up what he thought was an indirect reference to Plame during the meeting with the reporter. It is no big leap to take what he said and find the name Valerie Plame. As for being blameless because he did not know she was a CIA operative, why did he make such an indirect reference in the first place? Plame was at that time a consultant with a CIA cover company. Yes, that makes her "under cover". Did she have the authority that Rove attributed to her, of setting up and authorizing her husband's trip abroad? No. That authority is up a bit in the flow chart from her level.

Legal? Political? Try breach of trust, not only with the Prez who swore that no one in his WH was behind this, and then breaching trust with the American people. As far as many of us are concerned, Rove can fade back into the sagebrush where doubtless he just might find work for his "skills" with the contemporary version of Quantrell's raiders cuz nobody with an illusion of integrity will have anything to do with him.

And, no, it is not the fault of the press! When is the WH going to wake up and realize that this sort of tack is totally discredited!
Well with all this going on your Maximum Leader supposes that he should speak some more to this point. (And perhaps get lucky and have Juliet Huddy or Kiran Chetry on Fox News mention this site on the news!)

Your Maximum Leader has, in keeping with the spirit of the new stories out there, focused his comments on Rove's role in whole deal. To restate, your Maximum Leader is quite confident that Rove did not break the law. Plame was a consultant for the CIA. Nothing he has read has done anything to convince him that even with a stunningly broad reading of the law could you classify Plame as the type of agent for whom the law was written. From a legal perspective, your Maximum Leader is confident that Rove has little or nothing to fear.

Now some of your Maximum Leader's liberal, or "independently minded" (*cough*squishy*cough*), friends say, "Well what about the Independent Prosecutor? Why would he be working on the case still if there was no case?" Good question there. Allow your Maximum Leader to state clearly and specifically his views on Independent Prosecutors. The Independent Prosecutor laws are a travesty in our Republic and bring shame on our mealy-mouthed yellow-bellied political class. Any politician who advocates the renewal or extension of Independent Prosecutor Statutes should be treated with scorn.

Independent Prosecutors are unaccountable legal thugs sanctioned by our government because the government is too cowardly to investigate contraversial issues. Independent Prosecutors have unlimited spending authority and no accountability to anyone. Independent Prosecutors have no time frame in which to conduct their investigations - and no limits to what they can investigate. They are at least as bad as the Star Chamber of old. Your Maximum Leader didn't approve of Ken Starr. Your Maximum Leader didn't approve of Lawrence Walsh. Your Maximum Leader doesn't approve of the office at all.

In the Plame matter, the Independent Prosecutor investigates because he can. He will continue to investigate until he thinks it is time to wrap up. It can take another 5 years for all we know. It could take 10 years. You have no way of knowing. Will he find a crime? You know, he just might. Will he find a crime related to the "leaking" of Valerie Plame's name? Your Maximum Leader doubts it. But if Patrick Fitzgerald looks for long enough someone will be charged with something.

Now back to the issue at hand. The one issue with which your Maximum Leader can not agree with many of his right-wing bretheren is that because Rove didn't do anything illegal he didn't do anything wrong. This is actually the crux of the matter. Your Maximum Leader feels that the White House made this whole situation possible by (wisely and rightly) saying that they were going to hold themselves to a higher standard. That standard should be (and is in your Maximum Leader's mind) more than "we'll punish people who break the law." Your Maximum Leader didn't support the President because he thought that, in the ethics department, the Bush people would emulate the Clinton Administration. What Rove did, even if it was just in deep background for a reporter, is highly questionable because of the national security argument surrounding the individuals involved. Because it is highly questionable behaviour, Rove should resign on his own. Should he not resign, he should be dismissed.

Now you might be saying "What about presumption of innocence?" or "How can you let the Democrats (or the Media) define the ethical standard for the President?" First off, your Maximum Leader is presuming Rove to be innocent of a crime. But we have evidence that shows that Rove did something more than we orginally were led to believe. The issue of Rove resigning or being fired is not a legal matter but a political matter. This has already dragged out for two years. It will drag out further the longer that Rove remains. If the President is serious about waging a war on terrorists, and getting social security reform, and nominating one (maybe two) Justices to the Supreme Court, and reforming Homeland Security you have to be somewhat free from distractions. Rove will be a distraction for as long as he remains in his job. As for the "letting the Dems define the standard," the President defined the standard. One can't really blame the Dems and media for trying to hold him to it. Your Maximum Leader will freely grant that the Dems and the Media would like to raise the ethical standard for the Administration to include jaywalking and failing to pick up your dog's poop offences severe enough to merit removal - but in matters of national security the President already defined the standard.

Now, your Maximum Leader hasn't touched on all the impropriety and conflict-of-interests on the Wilson/Plame side of this. There is more than enough scorn to heap on them. That Plame would send her husband on a mission to Niger doesn't seem to strike anyone as odd. That Wilson would then return and start to claim that Dick Cheney pushed his mission - when that is not the case - is deeply troubling. That Wilson, and to some extent Plame herself, have demonstrated such a deeply partisan slant in this matter should have lots of people up in arms. Frankly your Maximum Leader would bask in the delightful irony of it all if Patrick Fitzgerald wound up prosecuting Plame or Wilson for violating some obsure federal nepotism law.

Your Maximum Leader actually agrees with everyone who says that this whole bit isn't really all that serious. He agrees that Rove wasn't intentionally doing anything wrong. And furthermore he agrees that the motives of his accusers are suspect. But he disagrees on the point that what Rove did can't be construed to break the standard for behaviour set by the White House for themselves.

And furthermore, if Rove were to leave the White House (which he should) he would just get a head start on being the scourge of Democrats running for President in 08. Contrary to what Powermfn says, Rove would not fade into obscurity. He would be a super hot commodity among the ranks of GOP Presidential aspirants. And that side effect of all this isn't being considered at all by the Dems who are too focused on the here and now to look beyond their noses at the longer road.

Carry on.

July 12, 2005

"Flu-like" You Say.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader reads that Brad Pitt checked himself into a hospital in LA. His "people" say that he is suffering from "flu-like" symptoms.

First off allow your Maximum Leader to say that when suffering from flu-like symptoms he (your Maximum Leader that is) likes to lay around in bed and watch TV and drink juice and sleep. Why this solution isn't good enough for Mr. Pitt is quite beyond your Maximum Leader. (The flu is a virus afterall. They don't have drugs for it.)

Secondly, your Maximum Leader bets it is just a little food poisoning from that undercooked beetle Brad shared with Angelina in Ethiopia.

Carry on.

Now Rowling Controls Canada, Not Just The Minds Of Our Youth.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has become addicted to his new cell phone. No, your Maximum Leader is not one of those annoying people always talk, talk, talking away in public places on his phone. But he has found over the past two days that he has had to loiter in some very long queues at various places. Today it was in a Chipotle restaurant. He was waiting in the long queue and started to get bored. So he whipped out his handy Motorola Razr and started surfing the internet. Surfing the internet on his phone has suddenly become an addiction of your Maximum Leader while waiting in stores and restaurants. He just stands there and gets stock quotes, sports scores, news headlines, weather, traffic, everything really.

It was while waiting for his delicious burrito that he was surfing the news headlines. The number 8 headline displayed on the Yahoo News area (just below a story on Karl Rove and just above a story on Lance Armstrong) was this: Harry Potter Books Sold by Accident. So your Maximum Leader went and read the article. Well, well, well. Aren't those Canadians tough. Not only were the lucky people who got the book before they should under court order not to tell anyone about the book. They have to surrender the book to the Publisher. One assumes that there would be a judicial consequence of not following the Court's order.

So, to make sure he got this straight. Some 14 Canadians did nothing more than walk into a bookstore, buy a book that was displayed for sale, and go home. For this they are now under court order to keep their mouth's shut about anything they did read, and furthermore they are ordered to stop reading and give up their property to someone else. Damn. Next thing you know the Canadian Courts will be telling the people they have to give up their homes for strip malls containing more bookstores (which are part of a larger redevelopment scheme for the town)...

That all seems quite harsh. Would one of these 14 people be jailed for talking? Your Maximum Leader exhorts these 14 to defy the Courts! Your Maximum Leader will surely lead the "Free The Canada 14" efforts.

Carry on.


Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader watched Scott McClellan squirm under reporters questions yesterday as more information becomes public about Karl Rove's involvment in the leaking of Valerie Plame's name to reporters. The latest installment of reporting from the Washington Post on this matter is here.

There are a few points which your Maximum Leader would like to make on topic.

As your Maximum Leader said to his loyal ministers over the weekend, if Rove leaked the information he should pay a price for it. We are now seeing the beginning of a sematic arguement about whether or not Rove leaked the information.

This sematic game is separate from the legal considerations. Frankly, your Maximum Leader feels that no law was violated in this matter. Valerie Plame was an analyst, not a field agent working undercover. That is a key consideration from a legal perspective. With the exception of the reporters involved, no one will be sent to prison for the commission of a crime in this whole matter.

Now, back to the semantics. Rove, from what your Maximum Leader has read, didn't actually mention Plame. From Rove's perspective this is probably tantamount to not leaking her name. But it has been reported more than once that Valerie Plame's connection to the CIA was one of the worst kept secrets in Washington. You can't exactly keep a low profile on the Washington social circuit when your husband is an Ambassador and well connected. So, looking at it slightly differently, by mentioning in passing that Wilson's wife (who ever she may be) might be involved in the authoriziation of the trip to Africa you are pretty much the same as telling anyone in the know to ask someone who Joe Wilson's wife is.

There is plenty of legal cover for Rove in this, but not much from a public relations/politics perspective.

And that is really what we're talking about here. Much criticism was leveled at Bill Clinton (and his aides) taking precisely the position that is seems Karl Rove might be taking here. That position is "I didn't break any laws, thus there is nothing to hold be accountable for." And as your Maximum Leader recalls, that line seemed to work pretty well in the Clinton years. But your Maximum Leader isn't here to bash Clinton...

Now, insofar as your Maximum Leader is concerned, he would prefer if George Bush's Administration held itself to a higher standard than the Clinton Administration. Indeed, the President, Scott McClellan, Andrew Card and others are on the record about being committed to a higher standard. It would seem that under this higher standard the President (who we all know is loathe to let go people he trusts) should let Rove go.

That would be a great loss for the President. But let's try and think through what it might mean in the greater context. If you were a Democrat wouldn't you rather have Karl Rove sitting in a lame-duck White House working on policy? If he isn't working for Bush, he's gonna be working for some other Republican. Some other Republican with presidential aspirations. Do you really want that? Be realistic, Rove isn't going to go back to Texas and raise some organic cattle and watch re-runs of The West Wing and cry in his Lone Star. He is going to start scouting out candidates for whom he will try and work his electoral magic.

So for Rove's opponents this doesn't look like quite as fun a victory as it might. Force Rove out for leaks, but then let him loose on the field of Republicans with presidential aspirations...

We'll see out this plays out. Your Maximum Leader, for one, will be more than a bit disappointed if all the information comes out, and Rove is obviously responsible for the leaks, and retains his job. To allow the President to focus on the work at hand, Rove should resign.

Carry on.

UPDATE: Dr. Rusty says pretty much the same thing as your Maximum Leader. Only a lot less politely.

UPDATE 2: Skippy has a thoughtful breakdown as well.

Cat People...

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader saw this: Strong Odors Expose N.Va. House's Secret on the Washington Post today. He knows the street. It is in the area where he grew up. If there was a better photo, he might even know the house...

Why is it always cats? 273 cats in one house. Damn! Your Maximum Leader doesn't think he could bear one...

The house is now condemned. One wonders if it will be torn down and replaced or if they will try and clean it. Your Maximum Leader votes to tearing down.

Carry on.

Did You Miss It?

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is gravely disappointed in his minions. So much so that dwarves will feel his righteous anger tonight. Your Maximum Leader will heap scorn, abuse, and pain on many in a futile attempt to get him to forget the indiginity done to his person.

July 9th was the second anniversary of this blog. Since it was a weekend he decided that he wouldn't think much on it until yesterday... But then his thunder was stolen by those damned Llamas and their fancy-schmancy new site. Or it could be the fault of the Crack Young Staff and reviewing their fan-mail that caused you all to forget. Or perhaps you decided to leave your Maximum Leader's site to read about how Gordon is going to be cast out of the great Zionist conspiracy.

Well... It doesn't matter why. Y'all forgot anyway...

There is one way to make it up though... Visit your Maximum Leader's on-line swag store. Then buy something. Buy a T-shirt. If you are a guy, you might like the "Well Hung" T-Shirt. If you are a lovely lady minion, you could get a thong and camisole. (Mrs. Villain officially endorses the Naked Villainy camisole and boxers as perfect sleepwear for the ladies.) And hey, if you are a lady and so inclined, you could buy a camisole/t-shirt/thong and mail your Maximum Leader a photo of you wearing it. (Preferably a "racy" photo.) Yes, you could be the official Naked Villainy Swag Babe!

Yes... Photos of a sexy Naked Villainy Swag Babe would make your Maximum Leader happy.

Carry on.

Movie Assassins Poll

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that the lovely Annika has closed the voting and declared that her readers have voted that Beatrix Kiddo would whup Lara Croft's arse. (As if we needed a vote to tell us that...)

The money line from Annika's article: "..., the only thing Lara Croft could make explode was a pair of nipples through a quarter inch of neoprene." And just what, your Maximum Leader asks rhetorically, is wrong with that? Absolutely nothing. It isn't the five-point exploding heart technique, but those nipples are nothing to be sneezed at.

Anyho... The new poll is up. Maggie from "Point of No Return" vs. Nikita from "La Femme Nikita." So basically you've got Bridget Fonda's (remade) renegade street urchin turned government assassin versus Anne Parillaud's original wild street urchine turned government assassin. This is a particularly hard one for your Maximum Leader. He really thinks that after Henry, Bridget is the best think about the Fondas. But Anne Parillaud just has a captivating effect on your Maximum Leader.

Of course it goes without saying that "La Femme Nikita" is the better film. Especially since "Point of No Return" is essentially a shot by shot remake of "Nikita." Anne Parillaud is edgier and more convincing in the role. And she is dead sexy. Your Maximum Leader has lust in his heart for Anne.

Well... Go vote. Vote for Anne Parillaud's original, edgy, sexy, Nikita.

Carry on.

July 11, 2005

AP Title Tease

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was perusing the AP news wire when he saw something that looked interesting. It was Scientists Detail Study of Kennewick Man.

Your Maximum Leader is always interested in news from the world of archeology and anthropology, so he clicked through. What a useless blurb. Other than saying that Kennewick Man had a narrower face and smaller cheeks than are typically associated with Native Americans the abstracted news piece didn't say anything. They even built it up in the early going by saying how your biography is written in your bones and all.

Your Maximum Leader was hoping for learning how old Kennewick Man was when he died. Did the arrowhead in his thigh contribute to death? What did he eat (ie: was he well nourished)? How tall was he?

But none of those fun questions were answered.

Quite disappointing.

Carry on.

Redacted Jackfest Wrap-up.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is tired. Very tired. He suspects that the Smallholder, Foreign Minister, and Minister of Propaganda are just as tired. Jackfest, the celebration of the Wee Smallholder's Christening, was a rousing success.

Allow if you will, your Maximum Leader to recount some highlights.

1) Cases of Newcastle Brown Ale were consumed.

2) A pig was roasted, pulled, and devoured.

3) Karl Rove was convicted by both the Smallholder and the Minister of Propaganda in the Valerie Plame scandal. Your Maximum Leader held that the law wasn't violated, but that if Rove did leak the information (which according to news reports out today it seems he may have), he ought to suffer some consequence for his actions.

4) Smallholder taught the Villainettes how to call pigs to be fed. Now Villainette #2 likes to run around yelling "Soo-WEEE!"

5) The Minister of Propaganda regaled us all with stories of Hollywood stars. (Martin Sheen is a prince among men to name but one; and your Maximum Leader will not publically name the dicks...)

6) Your Maximum Leader and the Minister of Propaganda both agreed that one of Smallholder favourite books (The Moral Animal) is a tough read.

7) The Smallholder and Foreign Minister worked up heavy (frothing - even) sweats as they toiled in the fields.

8) The (atheist) Minister of Propaganda did not burst into flames when crossing the threashold of the church. Neither did his presence cause the holy water turn to blood.

9) Your Maximum Leader and his Minister of Propaganda learned that sometimes you just have to suck it up and pay $4/bag for a 5lb bag of Kingsford charcoal.

10) Always... Always... Liberally apply bug spray before sitting in a lawn chair to drink beer with your buddies. And be sure to spray all exposed skin lest you wind up with 5 mosquito bites in a small area of uncovered skin near your ankle.

Those are the high points. Well... The high points that are suitable for general consumption at any rate.

Your Maximum Leader is quite tired now (combination of staying up till 2:00am every day and beer). He may blog lightly today and get to bed early.

Carry on.