Johnny Human Torch

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader shuddered when he read this off the news wire:

MOSCOW (Reuters) - A woman set fire to her ex-husband's penis as he sat naked watching television and drinking vodka, Moscow police said Wednesday.

Asked if the man would make a full recovery, a police spokeswoman said it was "difficult to predict."

The attack climaxed three years of acrimonious enforced co-habitation. The couple divorced three years ago but continued to share a small flat, something common in Russia where property costs are very high.

"It was monstrously painful," the wounded ex-husband told Tvoi Den newspaper. "I was burning like a torch. I don't know what I did to deserve this."

Hummm... Let your Maximum Leader think about this. What could the man have done to deserve this... Not put the toilet seat down? Not squeeze the toothpaste tube from the end? Left dirty dishes in the sink for days on end? Not sharing the remote to the TV? The possibilities are endless...

Also... Was the man awake? The story just says he was naked and drinking in front of the TV. One would have to presume that he a) had fallen asleep and didn't notice his ex-wife preparing to light him aflame or b) been so drunk he didn't notice his ex-wife preparing to light him aflame.

Carry on.

More porcine blogging...

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader and Mrs P's biorythms must be in sync. (Excursus: Does anyone ever talk about biorythms any more? Do you remember those cheesey machines in malls in the late 70's where you put your birthday in to the machine with a quarter and got out that card telling you how your day was going to go? Hummm...) Your Maixmum Leader had a pork post, and Mrs. P had a pork post. Admittedly, hers was much more entertaining and informative...

Your Maximum Leader will now step into some heretical areas (Father M - please get your rosary ready...).

The Smallholder and your Maximum Leader were musing the other day on the telephone about pork. We were discussing the glories of bacon actually. Then it popped out of Smallholder's mouth... "You know," he said. "That bacon isn't perfectly healthy for you must be proof against the concept of a omnibenevolent God. Afterall, if God really loved us he'd let us eat all the bacon we wanted."

Your Maximum Leader, as longtime readers know, is not an adherent to the concept of an omnibenevolent God (at least the omnibenevolence that most people think of). But in the broadest sense your Maximum Leader agreed with the Smallholder. Of course, God must favor Christians because there is no dietary injunction against pork and pork products. On the other hand, the fact that there is bacon at all should count for something. Bacon (and beer, according to Ben Franklin) are proof that God does love us and want us happy.

If only that love were less cholesterol laden...

At some point when your Maximum Leader has some time, he'll have to come up with a porcine theology post...

Carry on.

Travelin' Thru

Well I can't tell you where I'm going, I'm not sure of where I've been
But I know I must keep travelin' till my road comes to an end
I'm out here on my journey, trying to make the most of it
I'm a puzzle, I must figure out where all my pieces fit
Like a poor wayfaring stranger that they speak about in song
I'm just a weary pilgrim trying to find what feels like home
Where that is no one can tell me, am I doomed to ever roam
I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin' on

Questions I have many, answers but a few
But we're here to learn, the spirit burns, to know the greater truth
We've all been crucified and they nailed Jesus to the tree
And when I'm born again, you're gonna see a change in me

God made me for a reason and nothing is in vain
Redemption comes in many shapes with many kinds of pain
Oh sweet Jesus if you're listening, keep me ever close to you
As I'm stumblin', tumblin', wonderin', as I'm travelin' thru

I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin' thru
I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin' thru

Oh sometimes the road is rugged, and it's hard to travel on
But holdin' to each other, we don't have to walk alone
When everything is broken, we can mend it if we try
We can make a world of difference, if we want to we can fly

Goodbye little children, goodnight you handsome men
Farewell to all you ladies and to all who knew me when
And I hope I'll see you down the road, you meant more than I knew
As I was travelin', travelin', travelin', travelin', travelin' thru

I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin'
Drifting like a floating boat and roaming like the wind
Oh give me some direction lord, let me lean on you
As I'm travelin', travelin', travelin', thru

I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin' thru
I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin' thru

Like the poor wayfaring stranger that they speak about in song
I'm just a weary pilgrim trying to find my own way home
Oh sweet Jesus if you're out there, keep me ever close to you
As I'm travelin', travelin', travelin', as I'm travelin' thru